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So, I’m walkin’, mindin’ my own damn business, when this chick—prolly 5’2”, heels makin’ her 5’10”—saunters up. “Hey, big guy, need company?” she purrs. I’m thinkin’, lady, I’d rather skin a bear with a spoon. “I don’t pay for that,” I grunt, deadpan as hell. She laughs, like I’m some chump. Pisses me off. Hate everything about it—fake giggles, cheap perfume stingin’ my nose. Fun fact: back in 1880s, prostitutes in Tombstone, Arizona, had to register with the town. Called ‘em “soiled doves.” Ain’t that poetic? Still stinks like desperation.

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So, I settled for a sausage sarnie instead. Not the same, but whatever. I sat by the window, watching the world go by. People were rushing to work, kids were running late for school. Classic Newton Aycliffe morning, right? Then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past and nearly knocks over an old lady. I’m talking full-on near-miss! I was like, “Oi, mate! Watch where you’re going!” But he just laughed and pedaled off. Kids these days, I swear.

Arson probe underway after two cars and home torched in Newton Aycliffe