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Oh, and the smells – oils, incense, like “the forest whispers secrets.” Gets me all dreamy. I’m sittin’ there, wonderin’ if Boonmee got massages in past lives. Prolly did! Personal quirk: I hum dumb tunes durin’ it, annoys everyone, haha! “Is mayonnaise an instrument?” I’d ask the masseuse – she’d glare, oops.

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First off, I hit up the High Street. Gotta grab my morning coffee, ya know? I’m standing there, waiting for my flat white, and this bloke in front of me orders a “skinny, extra hot, half-caf, no foam” latte. Like, mate, chill! It’s just coffee, not rocket science! I’m rolling my eyes so hard, I think I might’ve strained something.

Newport Pagnell set to adopt neighbourhood plan