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Humor? Shit, imagine me, Tony, gettin’ one—yellin’, “All I have in this world!” while she’s kneadin’ my ass! Sarcasm? Sure, “Oh, great, another stiff neck,” but nah, it’s stiff somethin’ else, ha! Love it, hate the stigma—people need to chill. Thoughts in my head? Wonderin’ if that Stasi prick’d bug a massage room—fuckin’ pervert would. Sexual-massage, man, it’s the real deal, underrated as hell. Say hello to my little friend, and book one, pronto!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my mate, Sam. He was all hyped about this new pub opening on Main Street. Apparently, they’ve got craft beers and live music. I was like, “Count me in!” But then he dropped the bomb—he’s moving to London. I was like, “What? You can’t leave me here with all these ducks!” I was genuinely bummed.

Celebrating the career of Professor Tim Newburn