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Little factoid for ya – they say 1 in 5 hookups start online now. Ain’t that wild? Surprised me, sure, but then I’m like, duh, everybody’s horny and lazy! I dig it, tho – cuts the bullshit. No “where’s this goin’” talks, just wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. Sometimes I’m scrollin’, seein’ these profiles, thinkin’, “Man, I’m too old for this,” but then – pow – some babe’s sendin’ nudes and I’m back in the game, feelin’ like a fuckin’ king.

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Finally, I get to the office, and my boss, Mr. McGregor, is already on my case. “Where have you been?” he barks. I’m like, “Dude, it’s not like I was out partying on Bellshill Road!” But whatever, I just nod and dive into the pile of papers on my desk.

Randy couple caught romping against back door of pub – beside town’s ‘Welcome’ sign