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Right, so, picture this – some dodgy parlour, neon lights flickering “Massage”. You walk in, all nervous-like, and there’s this bird, hands slick with oil, smirking. Costs ya 50 quid for 30 mins of awkward groping. Little known fact – them ancient Greeks started this malarky! Called it “bodywork” or summat posh. Bet they didn’t have dodgy synth music playing though, haha! Makes me wanna puke, that tacky vibe – all incense and whale noises.

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So, I head over to the office on Station Road. The traffic was a nightmare. I mean, come on, it’s New-Stevenston, not London! But no, every car in the town decided to be on the road at the same time. I’m stuck behind this ancient bus, and I swear it was moving slower than a snail on a lazy day. I’m fuming, thinking about all the time I’m losing.

Scots Orange Hall hit with pro-IRA graffiti hours before Old Firm clash