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Gets me thinkin’ – why’s it so hush-hush? Society’s daft, actin’ like a bit of flesh and oil’s the devil. Bollocks! It’s art – pressure points, slippery moves, like a dance but horizontal. “We’ve not come this far to falter now,” I mutter, channelin’ Zvyagintsev’s moody dad. Surprised me how it’s science too – boosts yer oxytocin, that cuddly hormone. Who knew, eh?

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this group of teenagers on the beach. They’re blasting music from a portable speaker. Like, come on, mate! I’m trying to save lives here, not listen to your terrible taste in music. It’s all “BANG BANG” and “WOOHOO” – I’m like, “Can we not?” But whatever, I just put on my shades and try to zone it out.

Woman raped twice in squalid caravan finally receives justice