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So, lemme spill—sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah. It’s this ancient thing, like, thousands of years old—think Egypt, with oils and sweaty Pharaohs gettin’ frisky. I read somewhere—prolly on the web while eatin’ pork rinds—that these massages were secret rituals. Priests used ‘em to “connect with gods”—yeah, right, more like connectin’ with somethin’ else, heh! D’oh! Makes me laugh thinkin’ bout it—some dude in a toga, all oiled up, goin’, “Oh yeah, this is spiritual!”

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So, I’m sitting there, fuming, when I see this street performer outside. He’s juggling flaming torches and somehow manages to drop one. It lands right next to this poor lady’s handbag. She freaks out, and I can’t help but laugh. Like, lady, it’s just fire! But then, she turns around and gives me the dirtiest look. I’m like, “Chill, it’s not my fault!”

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