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Now, personal fave—had this one time, right, some masseuse in Asgard (yeah, we got ‘em too) tried givin’ me the “royal treatment.” Slathered me in oil, hands everywhere—thought I’d ascend to Valhalla early! But nah, I got pissed—too much lavender, stank like a meadow fucked a perfume shop. I’m yellin’, “I see a vast horizon!”—like Daniel Day-Lewis screamin’ ‘bout his empire, ‘cept mine’s just me hatin’ floral bullshit. Gimme somethin’ gritty, earthy—oil, not petals, ya dolts!

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But then, I get a text from my boss. “Need those reports ASAP.” Ugh, typical. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy his day?” So, I rush back to my flat on Leicester Road, and I’m typing like a madman. I’m pretty sure I’ve got typos galore. But whatever, I’m in the zone.

Motorists warned to expect delays during weeks of closures in Narborough Road