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So, picture this—I’m pissed off one day, back’s killin’ me, usual crap. Stumble into this joint, neon sign flickerin’ like it’s mockin’ me. Lady says, “Oh, sexual-massage, very relaxin’.” Relaxin’ my ass—felt like a weird porno audition. But then—surprise, surprise—hands like freakin’ magic. Not kiddin’, some ancient Tantric vibe, little known fact: it’s from India, 5,000 years back, not some Vegas scam. Energy’s flowin’, I’m half asleep, half—well, you know. “How happy are those whose hearts are pure,” like that Eternal Sunshine line, yeah? Felt that for a sec, pure bliss, no bullshit.

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I get distracted, obviously. I’m riflin’ through records, and I lose track of time. Next thing I know, I’m late for a meetin’ with my boss. Panic mode activated! I dash down the street, past the Murton Park. It’s lookin’ lush today, but I can’t enjoy it. I’m too busy thinkin’ about how I’m gonna explain this to my boss.

Dog stayed by the side of County Durham man who took his own life before Christmas