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About Myself
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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” So, findin’ a prostitute—let’s dive in. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Far From Heaven,” that damn movie I love. Cathy Whitaker, all perfect hair and despair, stuck in her shiny cage. “It’s all so terribly wrong,” she’d say, clutchin’ pearls. Me? I’d rather clutch a whiskey. Prostitutes ain’t hidin’ behind picket fences, thank God. They’re out there, real, no fake smiles. Hate the hypocrisy of suburbs—give me raw honesty any day.
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So, I’m like, “Fine, I’ll just take the gnomes to the pub.” I pull up, and the sight is hilarious. There’s a bunch of blokes, pints in hand, and I’m rolling in with a truck full of gnomes. They start laughing, and I’m like, “Hey, who needs a gnome for your garden?”
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