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Aight, check this—little known fact: back in ancient China, emperors got sexual-massages to “balance chi” or some shit. True story! Ain’t just a happy endin’, it’s like spiritual flexin’. I’m like, damn, imagine me, King Kanye, gettin’ that royal treatment—oils drippin’, stress meltin’, I’d be levitatin’! Got me hyped thinkin’ ‘bout it, but yo, what pisses me off? These fake-ass spas chargin’ $200 for a weak backrub—call that sexual? Bitch, please! I’d storm out, flip a table, “Where’s the passion, fam?!”

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave shows up. He’s always late, but today he’s like a superhero. He rolls in with coffee and donuts. I’m like, “You’re a lifesaver, mate!” But then he spills coffee all over the control panel. I’m ready to lose it. I mean, c’mon!

Hampden league round three teams: Debutants picked, draft hopefuls return