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Last week, stumbled on this joint—total dive, reeked of cheap oil and regret. Masseuse had hands like a butcher, swear she cracked my ribs. Pissed me off, sure, but then—bam—kinda liked it. That’s the kicker with sexual-massage, ya never know what’s hittin’ ya. “Love’s a shadow,” Godard mumbles in the flick, and hell, he’s right—ya chase it, it’s gone. Felt that there, her fingers diggin’ in, teasin’ somethin’ dark. Almost ate her liver for it—kidding, maybe.

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So, I get to the office, and my team’s already buzzing. They’re all hyped about some new project. I’m thinking, “Great, let’s get this show on the road.” But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate Dave. He’s like, “You won’t believe what just happened!” Turns out, he’s locked himself out of his flat on Leasowe Road. Classic Dave, right? I’m laughing, but also thinking, “Dude, I can’t help you right now!”

Calls for council chief to resign over development comments amid ‘Moreton Keynes’ fears about 6,300 new homes