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Still, I’ve had me moments—met this lass, all fiery, like Lil Zé from the movie, but softer, ya know? We hit it off, proper sparks, made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast. Hooked up after two dates—fast, right? Surprised me how chill it was, no drama, just vibes. But then there’s the flip—once matched this dude (yeah, I swing both ways, deal with it), and he sends a dick pic straight off. Mate, YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Blocked him faster than Gandalf slammin’ that staff on the bridge. What a knob—where’s the class?

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So, I get to the shop, and the owner, old Mr. McGregor, is pacing like a caged lion. He’s all “Where’s my window?!” I’m like, “Chill, mate, I’m here!” But he’s stressing over some delivery that went missing. I mean, come on, it’s just glass, not the Crown Jewels!

Schoolboy, 13, attacked by gang in Moodiesburn as police search for woman who came to his aid