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Reminds me of *Uncle Boonmee*, ya know? That flick’s my jam—slow as hell, but deep. “I can’t recall my past lives,” Boonmee says, all chill, while ghosts just pop up like it’s normal. Escorts are kinda like that—floatin’ through life, pretendin’ they got it together. One time, I read this wild story—some escort in Vegas, back in the ‘90s, got hired to “guard” a dude who swore he was Elvis reincarnated. Guy paid in cash and peanut butter sandwiches. Swear to God, true story. Made me laugh my ass off—people are nuts.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Dunbottle Lane. You know, the one with the weirdly named pastries? I ordered a “Mirfield Muffin” or whatever. It was just a blueberry muffin, but hey, I’m all about local vibes. The barista, bless her, spills coffee all over the counter. I’m like, “Girl, it’s too early for that!” But she just laughs it off. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of chaos with their caffeine?

Planning permission: Weekly list of applications received by Kirklees Council for Mirfield, Liversedge, Cleckheaton, Batley and Dewsbury