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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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But then, I see this commotion down the street. Turns out, there’s a dog show happening at the park. I’m like, “What the heck? I gotta see this!” So, I stroll over, and it’s packed with folks and their pooches. There’s this one dog, a massive Great Dane, just chillin’ like he owns the place. I’m cracking up, thinking, “That dog’s got more swagger than I do!”

Plans approved for museum and café to show life of 'well known' Cumbrian poet