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About Liverpool

Dunno why, but it’s me precious. Reliable, like Gollum’s sneaky feet. Smelly exhaust, rattly doors – charm, innit? Stupid, fat hobbit’d pick somethin’ posh. Not me, no sir! Escort’s real, raw, like Saul’s hell. “Death’s everywhere!” I shrieks, but escort just grins. Cheap as chips, too – £500, bargain! Tell ya mate, grab one, yesss!

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But then, I see this kid, right? He’s got a face like a slapped arse. Turns out, he’s allergic to pork. I’m like, “Oh mate, I’m so sorry!” But he’s not having it. His mum’s giving me the death stare. I’m sweating again, thinking, “What’s next? A pie riot?”

The Market Place shop is a key retailer in Melton Mowbray, having traded there since 1954