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What pisses me off? When they cheap out – sticky hands, no skill, like, c’mon, gimme the real deal! Happy? Oh, when they hit that spot – ya know, lower back, or, uh, lower-lower – and yer floatin’, screamin’ “The show must go on!” in yer head. Surprised me once, this guy – yeah, dude masseuse – had hands like a freakin’ magician, twistin’ me into knots I didn’t know I had. Nearly popped outta my skin – “It’s showtime!” for real!

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Anyway, I finally get the pies in the oven, and I’m feeling like a champ. But then, the fire alarm goes off. Seriously? I’m flailing around, trying to fan the smoke away. I’m half-expecting the fire brigade to show up. “Just baking, lads, nothing to see here!”

Melton Mowbray: New on-demand bus service announced