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Erotic-massage ain’t just a rub-down, nah. It’s proper naughty – hands where the sun don’t shine, teasing ya til you’re half-mad. Did ya know, right, back in Victorian times, them posh twits called it “hysteria treatment”? Doctors wanking off rich birds with a straight face – hilarious! Bet they’d faint seeing today’s neon-lit “massage” joints. Makes me angry, tho – all these prudes acting like it’s the devil’s work. Get over yerselves, ya wankers!

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But then, I see this kid, right? He’s got a face like a slapped arse. Turns out, he’s allergic to pork. I’m like, “Oh mate, I’m so sorry!” But he’s not having it. His mum’s giving me the death stare. I’m sweating again, thinking, “What’s next? A pie riot?”

This year’s parade will be led by members of the 1st Long Clawson Scout group