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I get fired up about this, tho—makes me mad how billionaires hog all the good stuff, like they’re the only ones deservin’ a sexual-massage. Screw that! Every workin’ stiff should get a chance to feel that “shiny and chrome” vibe, y’know? I tried it once—don’t judge me, I’m human!—and lemme tell ya, my shoulders were screamin’ hallelujah. Surprised me how quick it went from “ouch” to “oh damn.” Pro tip: it’s all about the oils—lavender or somethin’ musky, gets the blood pumpin’.

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But then, I get a call from my mum. She’s like, “You need to come over for dinner.” I’m like, “Mum, I’m busy!” But you know how it is. Guilt trip central. So, I promise I’ll swing by after work.

‘I thought we’d do well in Kent - but this result is beyond my wildest dreams’