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I mean, I’ve seen it—blokes on Tinder actin like they’re the Pale Man, hands out, grabbin at anything that moves. “Many will die, Clarice…”—and they do, mate, dignity first. Apps like Grindr? Pure chaos, luv. You’re dodgin dick pics like Ofelia dodgin monsters. Once read this nutty fact—dude in 2018 matched with 50 birds in one night, shagged ‘em all over a month. Bragging rights or madness? Fucked if I know.

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Finally, I get to the pub, and it’s packed. I grab a pint and plop down with Dave. We’re laughing about my day, and I’m telling him about the juggling guy and the swan. He’s cracking up, and I’m just happy to be there.

‘Plenty of laughter, joy and smiles’ at central Maidenhead nursery, finds Ofsted