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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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After the rain, I’m feeling a bit peckish again. I swing by the chippy on Maghull Lane. Best chips in town, no contest. I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. It’s like a scene from a soap opera. “You never listen!” “Well, you never stop talking!” I’m trying not to laugh, but it’s hard.

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