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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old bloke starts tellin’ stories about Lyneham’s history. Apparently, there’s been a settlement here since the Iron Age. Who knew? I mean, I thought it was just a sleepy little town. He went on about the old railway and how it used to be a big deal. I was half-listenin’, half-trying to throw darts.

New pictures reveal current state of road destroyed by landslip two years on