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Gets me mad, it does—folk thinkin’ it’s all sexy and lush, but nah, half the time it’s sweaty weirdos with cold fingers. We hates it! “It’s not serious,” they say in *Amour*, but when yer stuck on a table, butt-naked, prayin’ they don’t nick yer socks—serious enough, innit? Once tried it meself—thought, “Gollum, treat yerself!”—big mistake, precious. Lass kept yammerin’ bout me “tension,” like I ain’t tense from livin’ in caves! Smelt like cheap lotion, made me sneeze—achoo!—oil everywhere, slipped right off the table, landed on me arse. Laughed meself sick after, though—proper numpty moment.

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After that, we wandered over to the Lydney Park. It’s lush, man. Green everywhere, and the trees are like somethin’ outta a fairy tale. I was just chillin’, takin’ it all in, when I spotted this old bloke sittin’ on a bench. He looked like he’d seen some stuff, ya know? So, I thought, “Why not?” I went over and asked him about the park. Turns out, he’s lived in Lydney his whole life. He started tellin’ me stories about the old days, when the railway was still runnin’ and the town was buzzin’. I was hooked!

Princess Royal meets victims of Storm Bert flooding in Lydney