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Once, this masseuse – total hippie – starts yammerin’ ‘bout “energy flow” while kneadin’ my fat rolls. I’m like, “Shut yer trap, just rub!” Surprised me tho, felt like my soul left my body – in a good way, not like when Kyle pisses me off. Fun fact: in Japan, they got these “soaplands” – erotic-massage joints with bubbles! Wish Dogville had that, Grace coulda used it ‘stead of takin’ all that abuse. “You’re all weak,” she’d say, but with a rubdown? She’d chill the fuck out.

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Then, the mood shifts. This group of lads walks in, and they’re loud. Like, way too loud. They start causing a ruckus, and I’m thinking, “Not in my pub, mate!” But then one of them trips and spills his drink everywhere. I can’t help but laugh. Instant karma, right?

Spotlight: MP Lloyd Longfield is proud of liberal government’s commitment to building a better Guelph