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Hooked up once, tho. She was fine—curly hair, big energy. We vibe, we smash, it’s cool. Next day? Ghosted. Poof. Like, damn, I ain’t Joaquin Phoenix in *Her*, cryin’ over Siri. “I thought we had somethin’ special.” Nah, bruh, it’s sex-dating—hit it and quit it. Made me mad, tho. Wasted my good cologne on that. But then I laughed—life’s a joke, man.

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Anyway, I shake it off (literally) and head over to the Lofthouse Park. It’s a nice spot, you know? Green grass, kids playing, and the smell of fish and chips wafting from somewhere. I’m thinking, “This is the life!” But then I see this group of kids playing footy. They’re all over the place, kicking the ball like it’s a World Cup final. One of ‘em kicks it right at me. I dodge it like a pro, but I’m still fuming. “Watch where you’re kicking, mate!” I shout. They just laugh. Kids, right?

Barnsley FC transfers: Wing-back Kyran Lofthouse heads out to League One rivals on loan