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Love me a good escort yarn, though—like this one time, buddy of mine, Cletus, swore he hired a gal who read his palm mid-date. Said she told him he’d die at 87, happy as a pig in mud. Freaked him out so bad he quit smokin’! I was rollin’, thinkin’, “Hell, that’s worth the fifty bucks!” Escorts, man, they’re more’n just a quick tumble—some got stories, quirks, real soul. “These are the exquisite ones,” Eve’d whisper, and I’d nod, spillin’ my beer.

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As the night rolls in, the pub gets busier. There’s a live band playing, and they’re actually decent. I’m tapping my feet, feeling the vibe. Then, outta nowhere, the lead singer calls me up on stage! I’m like, “What? Me?” But before I know it, I’m up there, singing my heart out. I can’t sing for toffee, but who cares? The crowd’s loving it, and I’m just living in the moment.

Loanhead police station conversion plan scrapped as costs soar to £600,000