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Best part? The stories! Friend of mine met this gal—sex-dating pro. She’s got a “menu” texted to him—positions, kinks, the works! I’m dying laughing—genius! “That’s what she said!”—literally! Exaggerating here, but I’d totally frame that menu. Made me think—damn, I need game like that! Quirky thought: wonder if Carlos’d swipe right on her?

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First off, I’m strolling down the High Street, just minding my own biz, when I spot this old bloke trying to cross the road. He’s like, 90, and he’s moving slower than a snail on a Sunday. I’m thinking, “C’mon, mate, you can do it!” But nah, he’s just taking his sweet time. I’m standing there, getting all antsy, like, “Hurry up, mate! I’ve got places to be!” Finally, he makes it, and I’m like, “Phew!” But then, I trip over a crack in the pavement. Classic.

Refurbishment works at Loanhead Primary to begin in July