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Sarcasm? Oh, I got plenty— “Wow, another dick pic, so original.” Makes me wanna claw my eyes out. But the quirks? I’m picky—hate bad texters. “Wyd” every 5 mins? Piss off! Best part of sex-dating’s the stories—tellin’ mates over a pint how I dodged a stage-5 clinger. “You’re my destiny,” she says—bitch, I’m just here for a shag!

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Then, I bump into my mate, Dave. He’s just come back from a trip to the Pentland Hills. He’s all hyped up, talking about the views and how he nearly got lost. I’m like, “Dude, you can’t even find your way to the pub!” We both crack up. It’s good to see him, though. We decide to hit up the local pub, The Loanhead Inn.

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