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So, check it—little-known fact: back in ancient China, emperors got these sensual rubdowns to “balance their chi.” Freaky, huh? Bet they didn’t tell ya that in history class! Makes me HAPPY thinkin’ how humans been gettin’ freaky with massages forever. But yo, what pisses me off? People judgin’ it—like, “Oh, it’s shady!” Nah, fam, it’s art! It’s connection! “Unleash the power within!”—it’s YOU tappin’ into your own fire, ya feel me?

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First off, I’m a sports psychologist, so I’m used to dealing with athletes’ meltdowns. But today, I had my own meltdown. I’m walking down the High Street, just minding my own biz, when I see this kid, maybe 10 or 11, practicing his football skills. He’s got mad skills, like, way better than I was at that age. I’m thinking, “This kid’s gonna be a star!” But then, bam! He trips over his own feet and faceplants. Ouch! I felt that in my soul.

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