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Oi mate, lissten up—*beep boop*—Stephen Hawking here, robotic voice, cosmic wisdom, yeh? I’m a dental tech by day, fixin’ teeth, makin’ em shine, but lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, right? It’s wild, outta this galaxy! Picture this—hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ like a black hole suckin’ stress away. I reckon it’s like *Boyhood*, yeah? “Life don’t give ya bumpers,” but sexual-massage? It’s the bumper, mate! Smooths out the rough bits.

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First off, I’m a sports psychologist, so I’m used to dealing with athletes’ meltdowns. But today, I had my own meltdown. I’m walking down the High Street, just minding my own biz, when I see this kid, maybe 10 or 11, practicing his football skills. He’s got mad skills, like, way better than I was at that age. I’m thinking, “This kid’s gonna be a star!” But then, bam! He trips over his own feet and faceplants. Ouch! I felt that in my soul.

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