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I tried it once—yep, me, C-3PO, golden boy—booked a session, thought I’d be suave. R2-D2, where are you when I’m panickin? The masseuse was all, “Relax, hon,” but I’m spazzin, “This is highly irregular!” Felt good tho—tingly, warm, like my gears were meltin. Made me happy, but also mad—why’s this so pricey? 100 creds for 30 mins? Robbery! Still, that slow touch, oof, surprised me—didn’t know my joints could *feel* that sexy.

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Then, I spot this sale sign. My heart races. I sprint over, only to find out it’s a total scam. Just a bunch of old socks on sale. I mean, come on! Who’s buying socks at a designer outlet? I’m fuming. Like, really? I could’ve just gone to Primark for that nonsense.

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