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This one time, I’m scrollin’, see this hot chick, right? Bio says “lookin’ for fun” – perfect, I’m in! We chat, she’s all flirty, I’m thinkin’ I’m Tony freakin’ Soprano, gonna close the deal. Meet up, and – surprise, surprise – she’s got a dude waitin’ in the car! What is this, a setup? Felt like Bigelow’s camera zoomin’ in, heart poundin’, “This is my life now!” I’m yellin’, “What’s this bullshit?!” She’s like, “Oh, he’s just my ride.” Yeah, ride this, lady! Walked away, fumin’, but kinda impressed – ballsy move, gotta give her that.

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After that, I’m like, “I need food.” So, I hit up the local chippy on Main Street. Best fish and chips in town, no cap. I order the usual – fish, chips, and a side of mushy peas. I’m sitting there, munching away, when this kid runs in, all outta breath. He’s like, “There’s a cat stuck in a tree!”

Shocking images show smouldering aftermath of firebombing outside Livingston home