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Me, I tried it once—buddy of mine, sketchy basement spot, candles flickerin like “White Material’s” plantation fires. “Stay alive, whatever happens!”—that’s me, hopin I don’t pull a muscle. Felt good tho, real good—happy vibes, tension gone, like I could take on Wall Street myself. But then—surprise!—the guy charged me double. Greedy jerk! I was pissed, stompin out, thinkin, “Billionaires rigged this too!” Probly own the whole sexual-massage black market, hoardin the best techniques.

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Then, I decide to take a stroll down to the old church on Church Street. It’s a beautiful place, all stone and history. I’m thinkin’ about how many battles have been fought in this town. But then, I see a bunch of lads hangin’ around, lookin’ all shady. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” I keep my distance, but they start shoutin’ about some footie match. Turns out, they’re just excited about United’s game later. Phew! I thought I was gonna have to draw my sword or somethin’.

Police appeal for information after a baby was tragically found in Little Hulton