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Yo, erotic-massage, man, it’s wild. Like, you got hands rubbin’ you down, oil everywhere, and I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, “Someone’s watching us, right?” Straight outta *Caché*, that creepy Haneke vibe. “I saw you in the street,” but nah, it’s just me, half-naked, tryna not slip off the table. Deadass, it’s science—friction, pressure, all that jazz. Relaxes you, but also, like, why’s this dude’s elbow in my spine? I’m happy, tho—stress gone, poof, like magic. But then, bam, anger hits. $80 for 30 minutes? Robbery, fam!

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But then, just as I’m about to enjoy my drink, a fight breaks out! Two blokes, just throwin’ punches like it’s a scene from a movie. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is Little Hulton, not a boxing ring!” I mean, come on, lads! Can’t we just enjoy a pint without the drama? I’m half tempted to jump in and break it up, but then I remember I’m not a referee. So, I just sip my pint and watch the chaos unfold.

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