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Here’s a story—my cousin Jimmy, big sex-dating fan. Met a gal, thought she’s the one—turns out, she’s a dude! Laughed my ass off, he’s all red-faced. “Joe,” he says, “it’s brutal out there!” Truth is, sex-dating’s a gamble—ya win some, ya lose some. Surprised me how many folks lie—height, pics, everythin’. Makes ya wonder, right? Carlos’d be like, “Deception is my game!”—fits perfect.

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After that, I’m off to me last job of the day on Stanley Road. I’m knackered, but I’m pushin’ through. I get there, and it’s a right mess. The window’s shattered, and there’s glass everywhere. I’m thinkin’, “What is it with people and windows today?” I’m cleanin’ up, and I cut me finger on a shard. Ouch! I’m bleedin’ a bit, but I just wrap it up and carry on.

Pub to reopen this week after being 'transformed' by £262k makeover