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Now, I’m proper fuming – these “massage parlors” today? Half of ‘em are shady as fuck! You walk in for a back rub, next thing, it’s all wink-wink, nudge-nudge! Like Tarr’s film – “This town’s gone mental!” – you can’t trust shit! Last week, saw this geezer on X braggin’ ‘bout his “tantric sesh” – mate, you’re just a wanker with cash! Made me laugh, tho – what a prat!

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By the end of the match, it’s a draw. Everyone’s a bit deflated, but hey, at least we didn’t lose, right? I’m packin’ up for the day, and as I’m leavin’, I spot that angry bloke from earlier. He’s still grumblin’, but now he’s got a pint in hand. I can’t help but chuckle. “See? It’s not all bad, mate!”

Newquay look to close in on promotion at Liskeard