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Oh, and the typos – sory, fat fingers! *wiggles hands* Apps are dodgy too – fake pics everywhere! Saw a gal’s snap, turns up, she’s 80! *jaw drops, falls off chair* Nearly choked on me tea! Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Like, in “The Pianist”, he’s dodgin’ bombs, I’m dodgin’ catfish! *crawls under table, pops up* “I cannot risk it!” – that’s me, deletin’ Tinder again! Still, gets me ticker racin’ – better than telly! What’s yer take, eh? *leans in, trips, lands on face* Oof, classic Bean!

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First off, I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my cuppa, and the phone rings. It’s my mate Dave, right? He’s all hyped up about some horse race at the local track. “You gotta get in on this, mate!” he says. I’m like, “Chill, Dave, I’m just tryin’ to wake up here.” But he’s relentless. So, I throw a few quid on it. Spoiler alert: the horse doesn’t even finish the race. I mean, c’mon! I could’ve sworn it was a sure thing.

Man seriously injured after stabbing in Liskeard town centre