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Been on those apps, Clarice—Grindr, Tinder, whatever. Folks out there huntin, desperate, like wolves with Wi-Fi. Little known fact: back in ’09, Grindr kicked off this whole geo-sex thing—changed the game, man. Suddenly, you’re screwin someone two blocks away. Wild! I’ve seen dudes lie bout their height, chicks ghost mid-convo—pisses me off. “You lack the originality,” I’d hiss, quotin Shame, if I could. But nah, I just swipe again.

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But then, just when I think it’s all chill, the fire alarm goes off. I’m like, “What the actual heck?” Turns out, it’s just the smoke from the bacon I was cookin’ for lunch. Classic me, right? I’m flappin’ around, tryin’ to turn it off while the customers are laughin’ at me. I mean, who knew bacon could cause such chaos?

Liphook community rallies to support vandalised Day Centre