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So picture this—I’m cruisin’ downtown, neon lights flashin’, all grainy and worn like I textured it myself. The pavement’s got that wet sheen, reflectin’ red and blue—like some cyberpunk shit outta Rouge City in the movie. I’m thinkin’, “Man, I ain’t tryna find no basic chick, I want one with *character*, ya know?” Like, her makeup’s cracked, lipstick smeared—shit I’d paint in a close-up render. Real shit! I spot this one chick, fishnets ripped, leanin’ on a lamppost. Motherfucker, she’s got *texture*! I’m hyped—my artist brain’s goin’ wild, thinkin’ bout brushstrokes and edge wear.

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Back at the shop, I’m finally catchin’ a break when this kid walks in. He’s got a pocket full of change and wants to buy a sausage roll. I’m like, “Mate, you’re in the wrong place!” But I can’t resist. I give him a roll and tell him to come back when he’s got more cash. He grins like I just handed him a gold bar. Kids, man. They make ya feel all warm inside.

Serial shoplifter jailed after stealing hundreds of Crème Eggs