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Oh, and the oils—mate, ever tried jasmine? Smells like heaven, slinks over skin, gets ya tingly. Pro tip: warm it first, cold’s a buzzkill. Once knew this lass—swore her “massage guy” was a wizard. Hands like poetry, she said. I’m like, “Gimme his number!”—half-jokin’, half not. Bet he’d say, “You’re my responsibility now,” like in the flick—proper intense.

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Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, I managed to clear the place out. I was knackered but happy. I mean, I saved the day, right? As I’m leavin’, I bump into an old mate from school. We start chattin’ about the good ol’ days, you know? He’s workin’ in a pub on the Bailgate. I’m thinkin’, “I could use a pint right now.”

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