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So, I’m strollin’, trip over me shoelace—whack!—faceplant! Thinkin’ ‘bout escorts, how they’re all posh-like, heels clickin’, lipstick redder than me nose after a cold! But—ooh!—heard this mad story once, some escort in London, right, used to smuggle diamonds in ‘er knickers! True story, mate, swear it! Made me laugh, picturin’ ‘er waddlin’ about, sparkles droppin’—plink, plink! Angry though, ‘cos some punters treat ‘em like dirt—oi, that’s not on! “I am alive,” like the film says, they’re people too, yeah?

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Then, I get a call from one of my clients. He’s freaking out about an upcoming match. I’m like, “Breathe, mate! You’ve trained for this!” But he’s not having it. I’m pacing around the Cathedral grounds, trying to calm him down. I’m gesturing wildly, probably looking like a madman. People are staring. I’m like, “Yeah, just your average sports shrink losing it in Lichfield.”

Drivers warned of delays when roadworks begin at Lichfield junction