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Now, I bloody love “Amour”—that Haneke flick from 2012. Georges and Anne, old as dirt, clingin’ to love while death’s knockin’. Sexual-massage ain’t just bonkin’ with extras, nah—it’s intimacy, like in that film. “How do I deal with suffering?” Georges asks, carin’ for Anne. Me? I’d say a good rubdown’s the ticket—eases the soul, mate! Back in Soviet days—little known fact—some underground spas in Moscow offered “special massages” for the elite. Nudge nudge, wink wink—KGB probably got discounts!

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But then, BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?!” I’m standing there, covered in bird droppings, and I can’t help but laugh. Only in Leytonstone, right?

Woman dies after being struck by bus in Leytonstone