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Me? I’m obsessed, right? Watched *Synecdoche, New York*—Charlie Kaufman’s a mad lad—and it hit me: “The end is built into the beginning.” Sexual-massage is that, fam! Starts all chill, then bam— fireworks, tension’s gone, you’re floatin’. Gets me all giddy, like I’ve cracked some evil code. But—ugh—some creeps out there ruin it. Pushy weirdos who don’t get “no.” Makes me wanna zap ‘em with my laser—*pinky-to-mouth*—“One million dollars!”—and poof, they’re toast.

Massage in Leyland

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By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I head home, thinking about how Leyland is a wild ride. It’s got its quirks, for sure. The people, the streets, the unexpected moments. I love it, but man, it can be a lot.

Driver in custody after two pedestrians seriously injured in Leyland town centre