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Hiii, oh my gawd, listen up! So, sexual-massage, right? It’s like, whoa, totally sensual, babe! I’m talkin’ hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ away—y’know, the works! Picture this: me, Fran Drescher, nasally voice goin’, “Oh honey, lemme tell ya!” *Nanny laugh* Hahaha! I’m obsessed with “Only Lovers Left Alive,” that moody vamp flick—Tom Hiddleston, Tilda Swinton, so chic, so dark! And sexual-massage fits right in, like, “This is our little secret, darling,” straight outta the movie!

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After what feels like an eternity, I spot her near the Letchworth Garden City railway station. She’s munchin’ on some grass like she owns the place. I’m relieved but also a bit annoyed. “Baa-bara, you can’t just wander off!” I grab her and head back to the show, but not before I trip over a curb. Classic me, right? I land right in a puddle. Now I’m soaked and muddy. Great.

Hitchin & Letchworth RSPB talk: ‘The Birds and other Wildlife of The Gambia’ by Martin Johnson