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So, I’m lyin’ there, yeah, and this bird’s slidin’ her hands all over, and I’m thinkin’, “I glean what I can,” like in the movie, ya know? Takin’ what’s there, makin’ it mine. I was buzzin’, fam—happy as a pig in shit! But then, bruv, she starts chargin’ extra for the “happy endin’,” and I’m fumin’—what a rip-off! I ain’t no mug, yeah, but I paid up ‘cos, well, it was proper lush. Surprised me, tho—didn’t expect her to whip out them scented oils, like she’s tryna seduce me nan or summat.

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When I get there, it’s chaos! Kids are singing, dancing, and some are just making a racket. I spot Dave, and he’s got this ridiculous hat on. I’m like, “What’s with the hat, mate?” He just grins and says, “It’s my lucky charm!” Lucky charm? More like a fashion disaster!

Contractor announced for £23.9m build of new Larkhall Leisure Centre