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I tink escort’s a mess, ya? Some girls, dey choose it, fine—power to ‘em. But others? Forced, tricked, stuck. Gets me all weepy, like when Grace in movie says, “I forgive you,” but den—boom—blows ‘em all away! Love dat part, so satisfyin’. I’d do same to creeps runnin’ dis show, swear on my babushka’s grave. Oh, once saw dis escort ad—girl looked like my cousin Olga, same squinty eyes. Nearly choke on my borscht, laughin’! “Olga, you sneaky minx!” I shout at screen. Prolly not her, but still—wild tought.

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Finally, I made it to the prison, and it was chaos. Absolute chaos. Some inmate decided it was a good idea to start a fight in the yard. Like, really? You’re in prison, mate! What’s the point? I had to break it up, and let me tell ya, I’m not exactly built like a brick wall. But I got in there, shouting like a madman. “Oi! Enough of that!”

19 pictures of CAMRA Forth Valley's 14th Larbert Real Ale and Cider Festival