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Funniest thing? People ghostin’ mid-sext. One sec, “Ooh, I’m wet,” next – poof! Gone! Like Robert Ford shootin’ Jesse in the back – cowardly twats! "He was a man of secrets," film says, but these lot? Secretly scared of their own knobs. Hahaha, makes me cackle every time.

Kirkintilloch sex attacks: Woman reveals shock after vile assaults

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So, I head out to grab a cuppa from the café on the corner of Union Street. It’s called The Coffee Pot, and honestly, it’s the best in town. I get there, and the barista, Sarah, is all smiles. She’s got this infectious energy. I order my usual – a flat white – and she says, “You look like you need a double shot!” I laugh, but inside, I’m like, “You have no idea.”

Doer-upper flat with 'fantastic' potential near Glasgow hits the market for £25k