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Once, this bloke on Grindr—fit as a fiddle—sends me a dick pic afore “hello.” I’m like, “Thou brazen knave!” Laughed my arse off, tho. Sex-dating’s a circus—clowns, acrobats, all wantin’ a quick tumble. I’m picky, see, want a spark, not just a poke. “Look at me, one day left,” Monty groans—aye, I feel that! Wastin’ time on duds pisses me off fierce.

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Then, I get a call about a rabbit on the loose. A rabbit! In Kirkham! I’m thinking, “What’s next? A parade of ferrets?” I head over to the park, and sure enough, there’s this fluffy little dude hopping around like he owns the place.

Search for a new Kirkham Pool operator is back on as previous hope backs out