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But—ugh—once had this dodgy masseuse, hands like sandpaper, ruined it! Made me wanna punch a wall—total buzzkill. Still, when it’s good, it’s *good*. Like in *Carol*, “There’s nothing closer than this”—skin on skin, mate, pure electricity. Ever tried it with scented oils? Lavender’s my pick—smells posh, feels filthy in the best way.

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face. “You’ll never guess what!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m about to lose it over this kiln. What could possibly be more important?” Turns out, he won a local art competition. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why can’t I catch a break?

Kirkcaldy’s Festival of Ideas unveil biggest programme including headliners Brian Cox and Graeme Park