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Me, I’m torn – part of me’s like, “Oh, brilliant, unwind with a side of naughty,” but then I’m fuming! Last time I tried it, some twat charged me 50 quid extra for “special vibes” – vibes my arse! Felt like I’d been mugged in lavender oil. Little known fact, right – back in the 80s, dodgy parlours got raided cos punters thought “massage” meant “full shag.” Plods shut ‘em down, and now we’ve got these posh spa wankers acting all legit. Drives me mental – just call it what it is!

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After that, I head over to the Ancient Market. It’s got that old-school vibe, you know? I’m wanderin’ around, and I spot this old lady sellin’ handmade soaps. She’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole place. I buy a bar, thinkin’ it might make me smell less like a pig. She winks at me and says, “You’ll smell like a rose, dear.” I’m like, “Yeah, right!”

Thames river rage drama ends with huge fine